I am my own affliction, I am my own disease.

One of my biggest flaws is my ability to always believe the best in the people I choose to. Not everyone, no. I have no problem pointing out the personality flaws in the people I want, but for the people I have some warped sense of loyalty to, they can do no wrong.

And it only ends up hurting me. Because I count on them to do things for me, to keep the promises they make, even when every one else around me is telling me that I'm too good for them, that I could do better, and I'm only going to get hurt. And I always do. I don't trust many people. I put on a good show of it, sure, but I don't. Why is it that the people I do trust are the wrong ones? That they're the ones that always end up letting me down?

I'm tired, and I'm needy. I'm a person who likes to have plans, set times for things, and not be spontaneous about when she's going to see people. I get too aggressive with my teasing most of the time. My stomach inflates after I eat, and sometimes I can't see my toes. I don't deal with my emotions well, and I hardly ever cry. I don't trust people. My face is oddly shaped, and I have too many scars to ever be considered unblemished. My family is so dysfunctional, we'd put Jerry Springer out of business. I get attached too quickly, and hate talking about my problems, because I feel like I'm burdening people.

These are just a few of the flaws I think of about myself every day. And I know that there are good things about me, too. I can write like nobodies business. My legs are nice looking, and my hair is actually pretty hot. My eyes, while they may be a bit murky, are green, and I enjoy that. I have never, ever, ever, turned down a friend in need. I keep the promises I make. I try to make everyone happy.

But when I'm thinking, the bad usually outweighs the good. So why is it, when it comes to my friends, the good outweighs the bad, even when there is only one redeeming quality to be found in them? Why is it that I continue to let these same people hurt me over and over, and continue expecting a different result?

This is a whole mess of rambling. And I'm sorry. But I'm tired, and I'm needy, and most of all, I feel lonelier than I ever have before.