Now he's guilt-stricken sobbing with his head on the floor...

It's been a long time since I last posted. My apologies. Life has been crazy.

But it's also been a long time since I read a book in one sitting. And that's exactly what I just did. I snagged a copy of Tangled by Carolyn Mackler from the ARC shelf at work, and I needed a new book, so I started reading. Now, let it just be said that I didn't get home from work until around nine-thirty. While working at a bookstore isn't one of the most draining jobs you could have, it's definitely not what most people think it is. But I digress. So I sat down at the kitchen counter with half of a leftover potato that my sister had made with dinner, vetoing the stir-fry she'd made as there was no meat in it. (My mother has recently decided that what she needs to do is be a vegetarian after reading some book, so now we're all being punished.) It took me a coupe of tries to get through the first couple of pages, mostly because I was exhausted and trying to eat and all of that good stuff. But as soon as I got into it, oh, boy was I into it. It's a minute past eleven right now, and I've just brushed my teeth and come up to bed. I'm still in my clothes from the day, because I couldn't put the book down until I'd finished it.

I realize that I haven't actually told you what the book was about, but honestly, anything I try and say right now will come out as incoherent gobbldygook. So I suggest looking it up. Basically it's about four people who meet, however fleetingly, on a vacation in the Carribean. There are four months in the book, April, May, June, and July, and each month is told in a different POV. (On a side note, I remember when I had no idea what POV meant and I thought it was some kind of car.) (See what I mean about the gobbldygook?)

Anyway. The book was good. And I really like Carolyn Mackler's other books, too, although I definitely favor Vegan Virgin Valentine. It's one of my all-time favorite books. In other news, I wore a dress that I got with my friend Jess on... Friday? Yeah it was Friday. It's super cute, and I actually felt like I looked good in it, which is one of my favorite things.

Goddamn, I'm hungry now. Maybe I'll go try and find a midnight snack...

I am my own affliction, I am my own disease.

One of my biggest flaws is my ability to always believe the best in the people I choose to. Not everyone, no. I have no problem pointing out the personality flaws in the people I want, but for the people I have some warped sense of loyalty to, they can do no wrong.

And it only ends up hurting me. Because I count on them to do things for me, to keep the promises they make, even when every one else around me is telling me that I'm too good for them, that I could do better, and I'm only going to get hurt. And I always do. I don't trust many people. I put on a good show of it, sure, but I don't. Why is it that the people I do trust are the wrong ones? That they're the ones that always end up letting me down?

I'm tired, and I'm needy. I'm a person who likes to have plans, set times for things, and not be spontaneous about when she's going to see people. I get too aggressive with my teasing most of the time. My stomach inflates after I eat, and sometimes I can't see my toes. I don't deal with my emotions well, and I hardly ever cry. I don't trust people. My face is oddly shaped, and I have too many scars to ever be considered unblemished. My family is so dysfunctional, we'd put Jerry Springer out of business. I get attached too quickly, and hate talking about my problems, because I feel like I'm burdening people.

These are just a few of the flaws I think of about myself every day. And I know that there are good things about me, too. I can write like nobodies business. My legs are nice looking, and my hair is actually pretty hot. My eyes, while they may be a bit murky, are green, and I enjoy that. I have never, ever, ever, turned down a friend in need. I keep the promises I make. I try to make everyone happy.

But when I'm thinking, the bad usually outweighs the good. So why is it, when it comes to my friends, the good outweighs the bad, even when there is only one redeeming quality to be found in them? Why is it that I continue to let these same people hurt me over and over, and continue expecting a different result?

This is a whole mess of rambling. And I'm sorry. But I'm tired, and I'm needy, and most of all, I feel lonelier than I ever have before.

It's not very often that I find myself wishing for a boyfriend.

But that sentence basically sums up my night. All I've done today is fight with my dad, and of course, he wouldn't let me stay home tonight.

So we're at the beach that I  went to [while we were supposedly at the Providence Place Mall] with Haley and Kevin two weekends ago, and all around us there are kids my age hanging out and acting like idiots together and all I want is for someone to act like an idiot with and hug me and just yeah.

Okay, so. Story of my life at the moment: My dad is a douchebag. My little sister is in a mental hospital and basically told me that she hates me. I'm losing the people I'm closest to, and I have no idea why. All I want to do is sit down and cry but we all know I don't do that. Basically, I'm all alone and have no idea what to do about it.


Hence the boyfriend-wanting.