Thanksgiving 2010

I'm putting together a thankful list. It won't be artsy, most likely, and it'll be cheesy, but it's coming from the heart, so... shove off.

• Kelsey DeBettencourt - She was a good friend of mine in elementary school, and we got really close over the summer. Even though we don't get to see each other nearly enough during the school year because we go to separate schools, she still makes the top of my list. I love you so much, Kels, and I'm so proud and happy to be able to call you my best friend again. 
• My health - My body may be doing some crazy ass things right now that don't make me happy, but I'm still here, and I'm still able to live at home. My liver biopsy results came back, and the growths on my liver are benign, and basically the best things they could be for growths on a liver :P 
• My school buddies - I don't really want to put all the names here, but just know that I really do appreciate everything you guys do for me. We might not be the best of friends, but I love being able to sit with you in school and just bitch about everyone else. 
• The fact that I'll be in college next year - I can't wait to be out of my house and on my own, without my crazy ass family who drive me insane. (And not in the normal teenager way, in the actual I can't stand them way) 
• The talent that I have - As much as I might put myself down, I am a great writer. And that's something that will always be with me, and I refuse to take it for granted. 
• The adults in my life who are always there for me - There aren't many of them, but they let me complain to them, and treat me like an equal instead of some whiny little kid, and it means a lot to me. 
• Kevin and Haley - Even though we seem to be falling apart and losing each other, I still love you guys, and I'm so happy that I know you. You're lovely. 
• JESSIE NEGROTTI - My CPSSWCCS. I'm so glad that we're getting back to the way we were. I've missed you so much, and our friendship means the world to me. You always make me feel better when I'm upset, and I'm sorry if I've been monopolizing our conversations with my life lately. I promise to be better. 
• The fall - It's my favorite. 'Nuff said.

There are so many more things and people that I could put on here, but I'm going to stop for now. I'll probably end up doing a really cheesy and long one in my notebook later. 

I am not an easy person to get along with. I am not an easy person to like, or be friends with. I know this about myself, and I'm not going to try and deny it, or make excuses. I'm needy; I have a tendency to always be "fine" until everything boils over and I call you sobbing. I am extremely stubborn, and I like to be locked into plans. I'm good at listening, but have a tendency to talk about myself too much - and not even important stuff, just inconsequential fluff. I sometimes expect people to read my mind and do what I want/need without having to voice it, and then get angry when that doesn't happen. I call people idiots too much, especially when they do something I don't like. And I don't like a lot of things that people do. There are so many more that I could list, but I won't.

But I'm not going to change. I tried that; it doesn't work. I become someone I don't even know - I barely know who I am now, I refuse to become unrecognizable when I look in the mirror. But I'm terrified that that's what being at school is doing to me. I've started to watch what I say in class during discussions, I've started to censor myself (with today excluded because I totally just had no filter whatsoever.) and just change. And I don't like it. I don't like that I have to do this. I wish that I could feel comfortable enough around these people, or at least comfortable enough with myself, that I can just be who I am with no fear of judgment. Cause you know what, jerkoffs, my opinion is important, what I have to say does make a difference, even if all you want to do is roll your eyes. Just because you come to school high or hungover and the sound of my voice is grating on your ears, suck it the fuck up. Just because you don't want to be here doesn't mean you get to make the rest of us miserable.


This has changed from an actualization/epiphany post to a tirade about school. Time to shut up.

I don't get it. I really don't. You tell me that I'm your best friend, and you let me call you mine. But why am I the only one giving right now? I get that you're having issues. I know you are. I know you're having a hard time of it. I know you are.

But so am I. And I love you. But this past week and a half, I've started to resent you. Because all I've needed was my best friend, someone to just be there for me and give me a hug, and tell me that I'm going to be okay. But you couldn't even do that for me. I don't want to bitch to you, I don't want to unload to you. You know that's not what I'm about. But I needed you to help me get my mind off of things. And for whatever reason, you were incapable of doing that.

I'm not saying I'm mad. (Well, I kind of am saying that. But I'm not really mad.) What I'm saying is that I'm just... I'm sad. 'Cause I believed you when you said that you would always be there for me. And now you've just... you've proven that everyone breaks their promises, at least once.

I still love you. I still think you're the best friend I could've asked for. I just... I guess I was hoping that human error didn't apply to you.

11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear you,

I wish you were still here. It's kind of ironic that this number is a year younger than you would be right now, and a year older than you'll ever be. Tuesday will be two years and a month since you died, and I wish I could say something corny like I think about you every day, or everything I do, I do with you in mind, but I don't. I guess in my head, you're still here. I never got a chance to mourn; it wasn't something I let myself do, and it most certainly wasn't something my parents were about to help me with.

I guess the reason I wish I could talk to you is to tell you how sorry I am. I know I don't have any need to be, that nothing I did could have caused or prevented anything, but I am. Our situations were exactly the same, and for the life of me, as much as I try to understand it, I don't know why it was you and not me. I know it's wrong to say that sometimes I wish it was me instead of you, but I do. I had four years on you, and a family that was already broken.

I also want to say goodbye. I never got to. I never let myself feel anything, and goodbyes were part of that package. I wonder if I wouldn't be as fucked up now if I had been able to say goodbye; not just to you, but to everyone who's up there with you. (Which, as I come to think of it, is also eleven.)

And I want to know what it was like. I know that's morbid, but I do. I want to make sure you weren't scared, I want to make sure that you weren't in pain, but I also want to know for myself, so that I know when my time comes, and I want to know that dying wasn't you giving up. That you were fighting until the last second, and in the end, you just... lost. I know it sounds bad, but I just... I want to know. I want to be able to say goodbye, and I want to be able to say I'm sorry, and that I love you, and ask you if you did all that you could.

But mostly I just miss you.

Love,
me.

10 - someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like

Dear you,

I don't really know why we don't talk anymore. I guess it's because we were never really friends, I just wanted us to be. And I know that that actually means that this letter probably shouldn't be for you, but whatever. I'm done with shoulds.

I hope you know that I really did want us to be friends. And I would've been a damn good friend, too. I wish we talked more, because than maybe you'd get it. But whenever I try to chat with you, you're always busy. I don't know if it's you blowing me off, or what, but it kinda sucks. So I've basically stopped trying. I think I've figured it out, though. You're a happy person, a shiny person, a good-times girl. I don't know how to be shiny, I don't know how to deal with shiny people. You need a guy to feel validated, I wouldn't even know how to let a guy be my sole source of validation. We're two entirely different people at totally different points in our life, and while we tried to intersect for a while, and even though when we do talk, we have interesting conversations, we don't talk often enough to be considered more than "acquaintances." Maybe this will change in the years to come, but maybe we'll just always be each others "maybes."

Love,
me.

9 - someone you wish you could meet

Dear you,

I guess I could start this off by saying I'm you're biggest fan, but I'm sure that's not true. I'm not particularly overweight, so it's a no on the literal sense, and there are probably people who have done insanely dangerous and stupid things to try and get to meet you, so it's a no in the metaphorical sense, as well. But I still wish I could meet you.

There are a lot of you I'm writing to right now. Namely, every person I have ever wished to meet. Ever. Because how do you choose just one? I don't want to meet someone that will be an ass. I don't want to waste my time coming to meet you if you're going to be a jerk, and autograph a picture, making it out to a Heather when I told you my name was Hannah.

But all of you, I do wish I could meet you. I want to know what you're like. I know we'll probably never meet, and it's probably for the better. I've got the idea of you, and I like that, so why ruin it with reality?

Love,
me.

I need someone to crawl into bed with as I cry out these tears that just won't stop coming. I need someone to hold me close to them until all of my demons are forced out. I need someone who is willing to fight them off with me, to whisper the unkempt promise "it's going to be alright."" I need someone to look at me and just open their arms while I collapse,


Because right now, that's all I can do. Collapse.

8 - Your favorite internet friend

Dear you,

This is another one that's quite hard to choose. I have made quite a few friends only on the internet, though I admit, I've met most of them by now, even the one that I met at almost the exact same time as you. Really, there are only two or three other ones that I still like and haven't met yet. But they qualify for more than one. And so do you, really, but I decided to write this one to you, because it just seemed to fit. Especially since we're talking so much lately.

I have to admit, sometimes talking to you makes me feel kind of like a whore. Because you usually have a girlfriend. And I, as usual, am perpetually single. And we flirt. I don't know if it's because we've never met, and so it's comfortable to flirt like this, or if it's because we actually have real chemistry that we just haven't figured out how to deal with yet. Either way, we flirt a ridiculous amount. And I know it's not just in my head.

But this is getting off-track. The point is, you are my favorite internet-turned-texting friend, and hopefully, we'll be able to organize a meet up between you and I wicked soon. Because it's a bit ridiculous that we've been talking for three years, on and off, and never met. ESPECIALLY with all the flirtiness that goes on between us. (Here I go, getting off track again.) Every time I talk to you, I feel better. I love talking about awesome bands and musicians and TV shows and people and bucket lists with you. You make me feel comfortable being myself, even if you judge me for liking gangster rap. :) I promise, when we finally meet, it will be amazingly epic. And, like I said, if you're still cold then, I'll share my blankets with you until you just love me so much that you have to agree to the road trip I proposed. :)

Love,

me.