I am not an easy person to get along with. I am not an easy person to like, or be friends with. I know this about myself, and I'm not going to try and deny it, or make excuses. I'm needy; I have a tendency to always be "fine" until everything boils over and I call you sobbing. I am extremely stubborn, and I like to be locked into plans. I'm good at listening, but have a tendency to talk about myself too much - and not even important stuff, just inconsequential fluff. I sometimes expect people to read my mind and do what I want/need without having to voice it, and then get angry when that doesn't happen. I call people idiots too much, especially when they do something I don't like. And I don't like a lot of things that people do. There are so many more that I could list, but I won't.

But I'm not going to change. I tried that; it doesn't work. I become someone I don't even know - I barely know who I am now, I refuse to become unrecognizable when I look in the mirror. But I'm terrified that that's what being at school is doing to me. I've started to watch what I say in class during discussions, I've started to censor myself (with today excluded because I totally just had no filter whatsoever.) and just change. And I don't like it. I don't like that I have to do this. I wish that I could feel comfortable enough around these people, or at least comfortable enough with myself, that I can just be who I am with no fear of judgment. Cause you know what, jerkoffs, my opinion is important, what I have to say does make a difference, even if all you want to do is roll your eyes. Just because you come to school high or hungover and the sound of my voice is grating on your ears, suck it the fuck up. Just because you don't want to be here doesn't mean you get to make the rest of us miserable.


This has changed from an actualization/epiphany post to a tirade about school. Time to shut up.