here i go again on my own...

Dear you,

You're going to know this is for you because I'm going to send it to you. I hope you won't have blocked me off your Facebook by the time this is finished, but if you have, I'll understand.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I never would have posted that if I knew you were going to see it. And I know that sounds cowardly, but that's because it is. But let me explain. I know I don't deserve it, but give me just another few minutes of your time.

My head sometimes feels like it's going to explode. Sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning and I've forgotten how to swim. And my life preserver is writing. It's the only place I can feel completely safe in my feelings, feelings I wouldn't ever dare say to anyone. But sometimes, just writing something isn't enough. Sometimes, I need to get it out of my head, and away from my heart and head, and my only way to do that is to post it here. And so that's what I did.

The last letter I posted I had been holding onto for a while. Since the last time you and he broke up. I only just now posted it because I only just now found it. I added in a few things in the beginning that made it more pertinent to the situation now, but didn't edit out anything else.

And now to the last little part of this. Sweetie, I am so so sorry that I hurt you. I am. I love you. You are the first girl in the history of forever that I completely, 100% trust and would do absolutely anything for. You're the first girl I've felt completely comfortable calling my best friend. I know I've said things about how the manipulators in the past were my best friends, but honestly, I could never feel a hundred percent comfortable calling them that. I've never felt like I had to censor myself around you. I know that whatever was scaring me, or upsetting me, I could come talk to you about it. And I'm so scared that I may have ruined that.

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I've fucked things up, yet again. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me again. But that having been said, I already miss you, and our talks. I was looking forward to girl time the next time I was in Rhode Island.

Love,
me.